A Note About Noise (And Other Annoying Movie Disturbances)

So are you just as sick and tired as I am to go to a movie, spend your life savings, and then having nothing but ignorant people talk to each other, answer their cell phones, talk to the screen and make obnoxiously loud noises?

It’s bad enough when you go to the movies, you have to take out a loan to afford it. God forbid you bring a date, you’re looking at a down payment on a house. I’ve come to terms with that. Really, I have. Going to the movies is one of my greatest passions. Is the money worth it? Yes, I suppose it is.

If you’re like me, you take your movie going seriously. So, you get there a little early to pick out a great seat, and get ready for the trailers. The lights go down and BAM! – You’re magically transported to another world. You’re sitting there, the title card comes on screen, the opening credits roll & you’re good to go. Until a pack of hoodlums slams open the theater door talking and laughing! Of course, they sit in front of you. You roll your eyes just knowing what you’re in for over the next 2 hours.

It’s happened to all of us. Sometimes, you may confront them. Other times, you may just deal with it. Me personally? There’s nothing more that makes me feel like I’ve been driven to murder then rude people at the movies. So, I’ve put them into 6 basic categories.

Read the 6 categories & how to deal with them after the jump!

The Talker – This is the person who feels the need to talk constantly to the person sitting next to them. But of course it’s not just a quiet “Jeez!”. It has to be an entire dissertation on why J Lo is actually a good actress. Or “Why dat biotch so stupid, she gon’ trip?” or something equally annoying & ridiculous.

The Texter – This is the person who feels the need to text everyone and their brother during the movie. It’s like they’re writing a novel while they’re watching a movie. What they don’t seem to realize is that, we’re in a large pitch black room. For them opening their phone and texting is just as bad as installing a lighthouse in the middle of the theater. There’s no need for it. If you want to text your friends, go outside.

The One Stuck To Their Phone – This is the guy who answers his phone in the middle of the movie. 70% of the time, they talk in their normal speaking voice. The other 30% of the time, they actually speak LOUDER so the person on the other end can hear them over that annoying, loud movie, that’s keeping their friends from hearing them. Unless you’re a brain surgeon and the Pope has had an emergency, there’s no reason to interrupt my viewing of “Glitter”, so you can tell you’re friends what you’re doing after the movie.

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The Loud Eater – This is the person who makes those crinkling plastic noises the whole time your in the theater. It’s as if before they came, they took a bag of M&M’s and took each and every M&M and individually wrapped it in the loudest plastic they could find This also applies to the person who is sucking at the bottom of their soda as if they’ve been lost in the desert for months, so they suck every last drop of condensation out of their cup. You had a 3 gallon cup of Coke, why are you out of soda anyway?

(Also, this isn’t nearly as much of an annoyance, but goes alone with “The Loud Eater”: When you bring in un-authorized food, could you make sure it’s not the most disgustingly foul smelling food you could come up with? Did you REALLY have to make an egg-salad sandwich with onions, cabbage, garlic & raw fish & potato chips crunched on it? Couldn’t you have made a fine smelling, quiet sandwich like Peanut Butter & Jelly?)

The Inappropriate Emotions Guy – This is the person who always has the wrong emotion during the movie. It could be the last 10 minutes and the lead character is on their death bed giving their final soliloquy. This person will laugh hysterically. This also applies to the guys who cry at sports movies. “Invincible” starring Mark Wahlberg is nothing to shed a tear for.

The Interactive Movie Go-er – This ties in with “The Talker”, but it really is it’s own animal. These people are the ones that don’t realize that: A) the movie has a script that has a solid start, middle and finish. B) The movie is not really happening on the screen in front of them, it was pre-recorded a year ago. You screaming “DO NOT GO OUT THERE!” is not going to change any of the events that happen in the film.

So, what do you do? Do you confront them? Depending on who it is, I do. If it’s someone who looks like they’ve just gotten out of jail and headed straight to the theater to see “A Walk To Remember”, I shoot them a hideous look (behind their back, of course). Or I ignore it for fear of being shanked. If it’s a little old lady or a group of teenage girls, I toughen up and confront them like I’ve been sent by Siskel & Ebert themselves to silence the noise.

The bigger issue is that our society has no respect for each other. We can’t be still and silent for 90 minutes. We feel the need to text, call, and talk to everyone who is not with us at the movies. It’s as if those people don’t care that the other 300 people in the room are there to see the movie, not to hear about their life.

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What has it really amounted to though? I dread going to the movies on a weekend night. I dread going to horror movies at all (even though they’re my favorite). I dread going to any movie on opening night. And that’s ashame. And I’m not alone.

 Theaters should be doing something to alleviate this. Use the cell jamming technology that’s already available. Send in someone on rotation every 10 minutes to check on things in each theater. Sell Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches (although that’s more or less just for me).

There should be no warnings. You’re caught on your cell phone, you’re kicked out. People complain about you talking, you’re kicked out.

Unfortunately, the almighty movie theater chains don’t seem to care at all about us little people paying for the movies all the time. So I foundthis on the internet. It’s called a SHHHH! Card. They’re amazing & work like a charm. There’s a whole slew of different ones so feel free to fill them out and give them to the people loudly talking in front of you. I certainly will! So if you’re a big scary hooligan & you get passed a Shh! Card in the dark, it wasn’t me! If you’re a talkative little old lady or a group of annoying teenagers & you get a Shhh! card – you’re damn right it was from me! And you better watch your back! I’m liable to say something mean to you. Quietly, of course.

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