It’s that time of year again when your Adult Contemporary station abandons Celine Dion and Kelly Clarkson for…Christmas music by Celine Dion and Kelly Clarkson! Yes it’s Christmas time once again. To help you get into the spirit of things, The Whore has put together a list of the 9 WORST Christmas Songs EVER!
Hit the jump for the 9 WORST Christmas Songs EVER!
9 Worst Christmas Songs Ever
Smashing Pumpkins – “Christmas Time”
Hearing someone who once sang “Cut me like you want me to / Cut that little child” sing about “toys for everyone” is just freakin weird. REALLY weird. This is the sort of song you would play if you celebrated Christmas in Hell.
Destiny’s Child – “8 Days Of Christmas”
Any song that features the line “On the 7th day of x-mas my baby gave to me a nice back rub and he massaged my feet” is automatically in line for the worst Christmas song ever! This is what happens when a group of ‘Yes Men’ told Beyonce that a ghetto R&B Christmas track would be a good idea.
No Doubt – “Oi To The World”
While this is actually a cover of The Ramones song, this version is even worse than the original (if you can believe it). It sounds like a group of teenagers went into daddy’s garage to start a band and they came up with this mess of a track. Words can’t even describe just how bad this is.
John Denver – “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas)”
This song is not only horrible, but it’s depressing. In case you didn’t get it from the title, it’s about an 8 year old boy who’s pleading to his father to not come home drunk on Christmas and fall down under the Christmas Tree. Unfortunately for the boy, there’s no resolution to this story whatsoever. It just ends. The first verse explains how the Dad came home drunk last year. The second verse talks about the father coming in the house drunk. Then the freakin song ends! It’s as if Lifetime Network was showing a movie about a sad boy and his drunk dad on Christmas, then the Network just goes off air without showing the ending. John Denver obviously passed out high in the studio, because this song is only 2 & a half minutes. What’s even weirder is the tune of the song is kind of upbeat. DUMB-ness all around!
Cliff Richard – “Millenium Prayer”
This is just crap for craps sake. Seriously, SOMEONE along the way of the writing, recording and releasing of this tune must have said “You know what I listened to that song you recorded last night & I’ve written down some thoughts: THATS THE WORST CRAP I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!” And the music video is even more horrible. Honestly, the music video is probably what the government plays to suspected terrorists to get them to confess.
Lou Monte – “Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey”
This song sounds like the theme song to a pedophiles Saturday Morning show. And WTF does a donkey have to do with Christmas? Or Italians? I’m pretty sure that somebody was on acid when they recorded this song. And Italians are traditionally very religious – I don’t remember any Italian Christmas Donkey in all my (horrid) years at Catholic School.
New Kids On The Block – “Funky Funky Christmas”
I personally want Jordan Knight to apologize for this absolute abortion of a Christmas song. I’m not even sure what to say here. See for yourself, but be warned – once you watch the video, you can not turn back time to before you watched it.
Clarence Carter – “Back Door Santa”
This song is VERY creepy. “I make all the little girls happy while the boys are out to play.” I’m not making this up. This song literally has to do with the children going to bed so Santa can have anal sex with your mom. SERIOUSLY.
Newsong – “Christmas Shoes”
Any song that comes from the soundtrack of a Made for TV Christmas movie that stars Rob Lowe is automatically added to this list. This song will literally make you slit your wrists by the last bar. It tells the story of a little kid who goes in to buy his dying mom some shoes (???) but doesn’t have any money (????). ((So many questions – Why does the boy want to buy his mom shoes? Who let the boy go out by himself to the store? What did the boy have to do to get the shoes for free?)) If that sappy story doesn’t make you kill yourself, AND you happen to get past the choir of little creepy kids singing the chorus at the end, then the solo of the crying child singing the very last chorus with no music behind it, at the end of the song, will.